Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Administratium. Administratium has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0. Administratium does have, however, 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. They are surrounded by large quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the recent study, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second. Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years. However, it does not decay in the usual way, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places, and most of the peons are let go. Administratium's mass increases over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes, and attracting peons, often the same peons from other isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion and peon attraction leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever moron concentration reaches a certain level. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass". Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and, where it is allowed to accumulate, can destroy any productive reactions. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent such irreversible damage, but results have not been promising. When catalyzed with filthy Lucrium, Administratium becomes Governmentium, an element which radiates just as much energy, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. The momentum of the morons is in inverse proportion to the quantity of Criminalium present in any given universe of Governmentium, especially when in contact with Agencium. The reason for the immobilium of Governmentium is its impregnation, at the highest echelons, with layer upon layer of Criminalium, plus the institutionalisation of Scamiumarrogans Perpetualis, a pathogen driven by greedium and venalium Illuminans. Scientists have also released the secret of the source of Administratium and Governmentium: they are refined from a repulsive amorphous material similar to a thick petroleum tar but much more viscous and sticky. This substance is known as Bureaucratite. Bureaucratite should be avidly avoided as it almost completely freezes progress. Anything unfortunate enough to venture into a deposit of Bureaucratite is instantly trapped and becomes entirely coated with the bituminous mess, although it may take weeks or months to sink out of sight into a deposit. Many creatures, long extinct, have been discovered within such quagmires but better preserved than those found in ice or tar pits. Extraction from a deposit, should one be so lucky, is always excrutiatingly long and painful and rarely completely successful. Many unfortunates are haunted by innocuous bits of the stuff which always turn up in the most unexpected places and inconvenient times. People unlucky enough to have been exposed to bureaucratite have exhibited dangerously raised blood pressures, heart rates and bodily temperatures along with extremes of emotion.
