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the big stretch 2 (by sean)
in STORIES
Posted · Edited by Nasty Beth
i kinda need your feedback on one of my older stories, "the big stretch 2" (my own personal sequel to the one who made the original big stretch
http://www.rosebuttboard.com/index.php?showtopic=32311
take your time.
[/quote]
The middle bit is where you describe the actual fisting is pretty much spot on, but the beginning and end seem rushed. Why don't you try re-writing this to really flesh out the details? For example, instead of
[quote]Moments later, a mouse jumped on the bed and startled the man, her screamed as he jumped back, making the woman’s arm plunge deeper, literally tearing his ass in two.[/quote]
you could write
[quote] Through the haze of blissful pain in his arm-stuffed rectum, Ron heard something squeak. Or at least he thought he did. He opened his passion-heavy lids, just a crack. "AAAAHHH! WHATHEFUCK!" Ron's head snapped back, his eyes wide. He scrambled backwards in panic, not caring as his lover's arm plunged far deeper than she ever would have dared into his guts. He had to get away, to escape. From the bed, the mouse watched with its black, beady, eyes and the couple collided and tumbled off the bed in a screaming heap of tangled limbs.[/quote]
I guess what I'm saying, is; try to add some more narrative and detail. Your idea is good, but it just needs more work.
I'm looking forward to reading the rewrite.